Just Don't

How can you blame me for falling when you are the one who tripped me?

Agh I hate this. You don't even know how much control you have. I guess in this area I could be called fragile, so please don't break me.

Cancer

Cancer. It's a scary thing to think about. My grandmother (Dad's mom) is starting chemo. They told her the dark spot on her lungs wasn't cancer before but she spent the weekend in the hospital getting something in her side removed as well as brain scans done. My great grandmother on my mom's side had breast cancer. My doctor tells me that my cervix needs to be frozen again, biopsied again after that...but I don't want to go. I'm scared to know. Cowardly? I know eventually I will go back, but there's just too much to deal with with all the stuff going on right now.

When I had to stay in the hospital when I had problems after Aiden, it got kind of bad sometimes. I don't want to go through that again. I wish I had someone who could just hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. Hell, even if they didn't say it just having someone to hold me would help. My friends are great, but they are all dealing with their own problems (I don't have a great opinion of most "Men" at the moment). Going to go take a hot shower now...

Takata's Lyrics

Red Ribbons

You are my secret.
You will lead to my fall.
But I want you to know,
Before truth's past recall.

Self-cursed to watch you,
By a choice made in sin.
Didn't know the cost I'd paid,
Till I saw you again.

A thief in the spotlight,
Stealing motes of your life.
Lying that you gave me them.
A double-edged knife.

Hear you sing through the curtain. (You're mine, in some small fashion.)
See you smile through the glass. (You're mine, though you know it not.)
Wipe your tears in my thoughts. (You're mine, bond born of passion.)
No amends for the past. (You're mine, yet wholly you.)
Didn't know it would consume me. (By your will.)
No one said the hurt would last. (By your will.)
No one told me. (By your will.)
No one told me.

When desire's sold for freedom,
And need's exchanged for fame,
Those bargains made in ignorance,
Turn to blood-stained dreams of shame.
Red ribbons bind us,
Though no blood has been spilt.
No one told me they were wove of thorns.
No one told me of the guilt.
No one told me bonds of blood,
Were too poisonous to wilt

Realized I was empty,
When a memory kept my place.
Left looking in the window.
Red ribbons hide my face.

Hear you sing through the curtain. (You're mine, in some small fashion.)
See you smile through the glass. (You're mine, though you know it not.)
Wipe your tears in my thoughts. (You're mine, bond born of passion.)
No amends for the past. (You're mine, yet wholly you.)
By way of my will. (By way of your will.)
By way of my will. (By way of your will.)
By way of my will. (By way of your will.)


Copyright © 2004 by Kim Harrison

Letter to a Boy. Unsent.

Long night. Took a trip down memory lane and dealt with some personal issues.
I don't care if anyone else believes in astrology but it is pretty crazy how right it can be sometimes. So, as a fire sign, I am ruled pretty heavily by my emotions and tonight I came really close to telling someone some things that I am kind of glad, and kind of sad that I didn't. On one hand, it would be out in the open and I could finally figure out where everything is, but on the other I guess it holds true that we Sagittarians are pretty afraid of rejection. It's not like I know what I want anyway. The sad thing is that I keep being hurt by things that are said or done when I know I shouldn't...especially as the situation stands. Fuck relationships. Done crying about what I can't change.

Why Blog?

Some may wonder why I decided to start a blog. Well, a friend of mine just started one and after being told that I like to ramble in my (gasp) journals, I decided to start a blog so that those who are annoyed by my posts on other sites won't have a reason to complain to me anymore.
So...prepare to hear my ramblings...