Ok, so to really understand what is currently going on in my life I guess I will have to share a little bit about my past.
I have lost too many people that I love to drugs. Both of my Aunts went the way of meth, cocain, heroin, and of course alcohol( some may not consider this a drug and for the most part I agree...in these cases though it definitely was). Both also lost their families to this and honestly after having a son of my own I cannot possibly fathom anything that would make me give him up. So, needless to say that while I may not have been perfect, I have definitely stayed away from drugs my whole life. Never even tried pot. When I met the father of my son, he admitted to having had a past that involved drugs. For some reason I fell for him anyway. Hard. For the first few months our relationship was amazing. He had so much control over my emotions it was scary and he was everything I had ever wanted. Smart, sexy, in control, realistic, creative, passionate...yum. The bad stuff started a couple months in. He became really controlling. Wanted to know where I was all the time. Didn't want me to hang out with my friends. But we dealt and I ended up moving out of state to be with him. All alone in a new place, he was my world. Money from my account started to go missing. He stayed out really late and made up lame excuses. We fought. He drank. There are a few holes and marks from thrown objects left in my apartment. He did drugs, stole my prescription pain medicine, stole money, lied. When I finally had had enough, the unspeakable happened. I found out I was pregnant. 32 weeks pregnant. Yeah I know it may be hard to believe, but I didn't find out until I was 8 months along. God that was scary. Fast forward to me trying to make it work. Him screwing us all over again. Now he too is lost to me...abandoned his family for drugs. So yeah maybe I have some trust issues. The worst part is that I am very ruled by my emotions and sometimes I can't help but trust someone. I know I'm probably setting myself up to be hurt, but hey it's better than not feeling anything for the rest of my life. There is a lot more to my story, but this will probably be the theme for a few posts. Thought I would give a reference.
