Today has been an interesting day. Over and over I have been reminded of past, present, and possible relationships (as in any relationship not just romantic) and frankly I feel quite alone. I have friends, sure...good friends at that. But I am still alone when I go to sleep and when I wake. I remember good times even though I do not wish to return to past relationships. I wish that things could be different because it seems as if everyone I find myself caring for is unavailable one way or another. Should I throw up my hands and give in to lonliness for awhile? As much as I would like to say I am whole, I do have wounds and the state I am in is as salt water lapping at those open hurts. Trust...I trust both easily and not. I will trust you up until the moment that I cannot...and then never again.
I guess I am driven to desperation, and find myself in a place I do not wish to be. I am tired. Soul sick. Sad.
I am lonely.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Just Don't
How can you blame me for falling when you are the one who tripped me?
Agh I hate this. You don't even know how much control you have. I guess in this area I could be called fragile, so please don't break me.
Agh I hate this. You don't even know how much control you have. I guess in this area I could be called fragile, so please don't break me.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Cancer
Cancer. It's a scary thing to think about. My grandmother (Dad's mom) is starting chemo. They told her the dark spot on her lungs wasn't cancer before but she spent the weekend in the hospital getting something in her side removed as well as brain scans done. My great grandmother on my mom's side had breast cancer. My doctor tells me that my cervix needs to be frozen again, biopsied again after that...but I don't want to go. I'm scared to know. Cowardly? I know eventually I will go back, but there's just too much to deal with with all the stuff going on right now.
When I had to stay in the hospital when I had problems after Aiden, it got kind of bad sometimes. I don't want to go through that again. I wish I had someone who could just hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. Hell, even if they didn't say it just having someone to hold me would help. My friends are great, but they are all dealing with their own problems (I don't have a great opinion of most "Men" at the moment). Going to go take a hot shower now...
When I had to stay in the hospital when I had problems after Aiden, it got kind of bad sometimes. I don't want to go through that again. I wish I had someone who could just hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. Hell, even if they didn't say it just having someone to hold me would help. My friends are great, but they are all dealing with their own problems (I don't have a great opinion of most "Men" at the moment). Going to go take a hot shower now...
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Takata's Lyrics
Red Ribbons
You are my secret.
You will lead to my fall.
But I want you to know,
Before truth's past recall.
Self-cursed to watch you,
By a choice made in sin.
Didn't know the cost I'd paid,
Till I saw you again.
A thief in the spotlight,
Stealing motes of your life.
Lying that you gave me them.
A double-edged knife.
Hear you sing through the curtain. (You're mine, in some small fashion.)
See you smile through the glass. (You're mine, though you know it not.)
Wipe your tears in my thoughts. (You're mine, bond born of passion.)
No amends for the past. (You're mine, yet wholly you.)
Didn't know it would consume me. (By your will.)
No one said the hurt would last. (By your will.)
No one told me. (By your will.)
No one told me.
When desire's sold for freedom,
And need's exchanged for fame,
Those bargains made in ignorance,
Turn to blood-stained dreams of shame.
Red ribbons bind us,
Though no blood has been spilt.
No one told me they were wove of thorns.
No one told me of the guilt.
No one told me bonds of blood,
Were too poisonous to wilt
Realized I was empty,
When a memory kept my place.
Left looking in the window.
Red ribbons hide my face.
Hear you sing through the curtain. (You're mine, in some small fashion.)
See you smile through the glass. (You're mine, though you know it not.)
Wipe your tears in my thoughts. (You're mine, bond born of passion.)
No amends for the past. (You're mine, yet wholly you.)
By way of my will. (By way of your will.)
By way of my will. (By way of your will.)
By way of my will. (By way of your will.)
Copyright © 2004 by Kim Harrison
You are my secret.
You will lead to my fall.
But I want you to know,
Before truth's past recall.
Self-cursed to watch you,
By a choice made in sin.
Didn't know the cost I'd paid,
Till I saw you again.
A thief in the spotlight,
Stealing motes of your life.
Lying that you gave me them.
A double-edged knife.
Hear you sing through the curtain. (You're mine, in some small fashion.)
See you smile through the glass. (You're mine, though you know it not.)
Wipe your tears in my thoughts. (You're mine, bond born of passion.)
No amends for the past. (You're mine, yet wholly you.)
Didn't know it would consume me. (By your will.)
No one said the hurt would last. (By your will.)
No one told me. (By your will.)
No one told me.
When desire's sold for freedom,
And need's exchanged for fame,
Those bargains made in ignorance,
Turn to blood-stained dreams of shame.
Red ribbons bind us,
Though no blood has been spilt.
No one told me they were wove of thorns.
No one told me of the guilt.
No one told me bonds of blood,
Were too poisonous to wilt
Realized I was empty,
When a memory kept my place.
Left looking in the window.
Red ribbons hide my face.
Hear you sing through the curtain. (You're mine, in some small fashion.)
See you smile through the glass. (You're mine, though you know it not.)
Wipe your tears in my thoughts. (You're mine, bond born of passion.)
No amends for the past. (You're mine, yet wholly you.)
By way of my will. (By way of your will.)
By way of my will. (By way of your will.)
By way of my will. (By way of your will.)
Copyright © 2004 by Kim Harrison
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Letter to a Boy. Unsent.
Long night. Took a trip down memory lane and dealt with some personal issues.
I don't care if anyone else believes in astrology but it is pretty crazy how right it can be sometimes. So, as a fire sign, I am ruled pretty heavily by my emotions and tonight I came really close to telling someone some things that I am kind of glad, and kind of sad that I didn't. On one hand, it would be out in the open and I could finally figure out where everything is, but on the other I guess it holds true that we Sagittarians are pretty afraid of rejection. It's not like I know what I want anyway. The sad thing is that I keep being hurt by things that are said or done when I know I shouldn't...especially as the situation stands. Fuck relationships. Done crying about what I can't change.
I don't care if anyone else believes in astrology but it is pretty crazy how right it can be sometimes. So, as a fire sign, I am ruled pretty heavily by my emotions and tonight I came really close to telling someone some things that I am kind of glad, and kind of sad that I didn't. On one hand, it would be out in the open and I could finally figure out where everything is, but on the other I guess it holds true that we Sagittarians are pretty afraid of rejection. It's not like I know what I want anyway. The sad thing is that I keep being hurt by things that are said or done when I know I shouldn't...especially as the situation stands. Fuck relationships. Done crying about what I can't change.
Why Blog?
Some may wonder why I decided to start a blog. Well, a friend of mine just started one and after being told that I like to ramble in my (gasp) journals, I decided to start a blog so that those who are annoyed by my posts on other sites won't have a reason to complain to me anymore.
So...prepare to hear my ramblings...
So...prepare to hear my ramblings...
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Background
Ok, so to really understand what is currently going on in my life I guess I will have to share a little bit about my past.
I have lost too many people that I love to drugs. Both of my Aunts went the way of meth, cocain, heroin, and of course alcohol( some may not consider this a drug and for the most part I agree...in these cases though it definitely was). Both also lost their families to this and honestly after having a son of my own I cannot possibly fathom anything that would make me give him up. So, needless to say that while I may not have been perfect, I have definitely stayed away from drugs my whole life. Never even tried pot. When I met the father of my son, he admitted to having had a past that involved drugs. For some reason I fell for him anyway. Hard. For the first few months our relationship was amazing. He had so much control over my emotions it was scary and he was everything I had ever wanted. Smart, sexy, in control, realistic, creative, passionate...yum. The bad stuff started a couple months in. He became really controlling. Wanted to know where I was all the time. Didn't want me to hang out with my friends. But we dealt and I ended up moving out of state to be with him. All alone in a new place, he was my world. Money from my account started to go missing. He stayed out really late and made up lame excuses. We fought. He drank. There are a few holes and marks from thrown objects left in my apartment. He did drugs, stole my prescription pain medicine, stole money, lied. When I finally had had enough, the unspeakable happened. I found out I was pregnant. 32 weeks pregnant. Yeah I know it may be hard to believe, but I didn't find out until I was 8 months along. God that was scary. Fast forward to me trying to make it work. Him screwing us all over again. Now he too is lost to me...abandoned his family for drugs. So yeah maybe I have some trust issues. The worst part is that I am very ruled by my emotions and sometimes I can't help but trust someone. I know I'm probably setting myself up to be hurt, but hey it's better than not feeling anything for the rest of my life. There is a lot more to my story, but this will probably be the theme for a few posts. Thought I would give a reference.
I have lost too many people that I love to drugs. Both of my Aunts went the way of meth, cocain, heroin, and of course alcohol( some may not consider this a drug and for the most part I agree...in these cases though it definitely was). Both also lost their families to this and honestly after having a son of my own I cannot possibly fathom anything that would make me give him up. So, needless to say that while I may not have been perfect, I have definitely stayed away from drugs my whole life. Never even tried pot. When I met the father of my son, he admitted to having had a past that involved drugs. For some reason I fell for him anyway. Hard. For the first few months our relationship was amazing. He had so much control over my emotions it was scary and he was everything I had ever wanted. Smart, sexy, in control, realistic, creative, passionate...yum. The bad stuff started a couple months in. He became really controlling. Wanted to know where I was all the time. Didn't want me to hang out with my friends. But we dealt and I ended up moving out of state to be with him. All alone in a new place, he was my world. Money from my account started to go missing. He stayed out really late and made up lame excuses. We fought. He drank. There are a few holes and marks from thrown objects left in my apartment. He did drugs, stole my prescription pain medicine, stole money, lied. When I finally had had enough, the unspeakable happened. I found out I was pregnant. 32 weeks pregnant. Yeah I know it may be hard to believe, but I didn't find out until I was 8 months along. God that was scary. Fast forward to me trying to make it work. Him screwing us all over again. Now he too is lost to me...abandoned his family for drugs. So yeah maybe I have some trust issues. The worst part is that I am very ruled by my emotions and sometimes I can't help but trust someone. I know I'm probably setting myself up to be hurt, but hey it's better than not feeling anything for the rest of my life. There is a lot more to my story, but this will probably be the theme for a few posts. Thought I would give a reference.
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